Health & Wellness

Varun, a son of a major general was not performing well academically. He failed in the 12th class when he was having maths and science. He wanted to be a fighter pilot for which passing in maths and science in 12th class is compulsory. He belonged to a family of successful people. His father was very very high in academic performance and because of office academic excellence, he was often posted in training institutes of defence academy.

After failing in class 12th he dropped for two years yet could not clear his 12th from open school in maths and chemistry, the two subjects in which he had failed.  He finally took admission in graduation with liberal arts in a private University. He could complete the graduation and still aspired to join an Air force ground job that did not require clearance in maths and science. He is in reality a very dynamic, very smart young guy. Due to his poor academic performance, his parents and grandparents were extremely concerned about his career. They were quite understanding and therefore did not reject or humiliated the child. Though he was often bullied by his teachers and friends for his non-performance. This is a very very common case and a lot of academically poor-performing students have to face it every day.

The grandparents and father met me and showed their concern about this young dynamic smart boy, Varun. They told me that they motivate Varun a lot. They reiterated that they never scold him or punish him for his poor performance but they are extremely concerned at the same time.

I asked him how do you motivate him what do you say when you motivate Varun. They had a hard time to think as to what sentences they use to communicate and motivate Varun.  I then came up with the idea of time play. I asked one of them to become a father and the other to play the role of Varun

During their role play  I noted down the following sentences that are often used to motivate Varun:

"Beta please find the goal you need to work hard otherwise you can't go anywhere,  you can't get the entry in Air Force or Navy or military unless you fulfil the basic requirement and you can't fulfil them the way you are going.  Even if you are looking for a ground job you need to work hard for your entrance otherwise you will not be able to achieve anything. You won't even get a good girl to marry with". "Just see how your father work so hard for you to succeed your father has done so well in his career and even your sister is doing so good, all your cousins are well placed. What will they think of you? Take an example of your friends they too have gone far ahead of you, a time will come when you would not like to meet them as you will feel so inferior"

"you are intelligent and I know you can do it the only thing that you need is to work hard. 

My bulbs were on now. I knew exactly where the motivation was not going in the right direction I knew exactly how to change the sentences how to change the language and bring an entirely different result because I know the power of language. Language creates images of thoughts and becomes your reality.

I asked them to change their language of communication with Varun.

I told them the story of Thomas Alva Edison. Edison was very small and he could not even read and write when one day he came back from school with a letter in his hand from the principal. He handed over the letter to his mother and asked her what is written in it. The mother said they have written that 'your child is exceptional and special and we don't have teachers who are qualified and trained to deal with his level of intelligence. So we want you to find another appropriate school for your son.'

Thomas asked his mother "where will you admit me then?" The mother replied, "I will start teaching you from today." The mother was the teacher of Thomas since that day. She was a teacher who always encouraged him and loved him the way he was.  Today we know that this boy grew up to be a great scientist who discovered the bulb. He had to face 999 failures but he did not give up till the bulb was discovered. And when a journalist interviewed him on the discovery of his bulb and told him "we know that you have failed 999 times while discovering this bulb" Thomas immediately interrupted and said that he did not fail 999 times rather he learnt that his bulb cannot be created in the above 999 ways.

Thomas Edison after the death of his mother, while looking into the belongings of his mother found that letter of the Principal. The letter had very different contents. It read that Thomas is an idiot and a stupid boy and the teachers have refused to handle this mentally deficient child, that he was a problem for other children too and the parents of other children are also objecting to him studying in the same school.

If Thomas's mother had disclosed the real contents of the letter to his son I am sure we would have been living in darkness even today. His mother used a language that labelled him as a super-intelligent special child and he grew up thinking of himself as a super-intelligent special child, and he became a super-intelligent special scientist.

Words are the world and they become the reality. Your thoughts are expressed in language. So change your language to change your thoughts, change your language to change the reality of the people, change your language and say what you want the other person to behave or do. 

I asked the parents to start telling Varun "you are different from other children, you are very smart and dynamic. I know you will find your way very soon, you are a seeker, you will find the right way soon, just be focused and explore what you wish to achieve. I am sure you will get an inner voice which will motivate you to do what is meant for you, which will motivate you to walk on the path that you are meant to walk on".

I chose words like dynamic smart different from the words that came from the parents only while describing Varun.

Parent's visited me two-three more times more to learn the language that they need to use with Varun because after their first visit they tried changing their language and started seeing positive results.

After three years I came to know that Varun had become a big entrepreneur and had employed 30 people in his organisation.

The language you use to give you thoughts.  My message is to change the language to change your world and the world of others.

By: Dr Manju Agrawal, A psychologist, hypnotherapist and family constellation therapist