Health & Wellness

Domestic Abuse?

During this global pandemic, everyone has been ‘locked up’ in their houses. India’s population, one incredibly used to domestic help had to learn how to do everything, including the cleaning and cooking themselves for the first time. Our nest, our symbol of rest, peace, love, and joy, became a battlefield, a venting-ground, a golden cage, a jail, where frustration and aggression had cast their spell. People were locked up with their loved ones in their new Karma-Bhoomi, in their own homes.

I heard from several women crying in sadness as they talked about undergoing domestic violence. Their cases were a reminder to me that abuse is unfortunately aningrained part of our culture and society. Either we have abused someone or we have endured abuse in the name of love. I found Laxmi and many others like Laxmi having sealed lips, and if any one of them had ever dared to speak, their expression curtailed forever. I also wondered if the word SORRY could really repair the injured soul and bring back the scattered respect.

Anita, Laxmi's mother, was in disbelief that Rakesh had physically abused her daughter in front of his parents. Five years ago, Rakesh had approached Anita for marriage, as he was in love with Laxmi. Anita was happy that Laxmi had found a gentle, respectful, soft-spoken man and blessed the couple.

Rakesh was the youngest of the siblings and the only brother to two sisters. He was the owner of a family business and was treated like a prince by his mother, father, and grandmother.

Rakesh had beaten Laxmi, even before marriage, but she had never complained earlier. She thought he was showing her possessiveness and love. Her fear of losing love and her need for harmony made her overlook his aggressive behavior.

The beating, the speechlessness of her mother-in-law, and the haunting taunts of her father-in-law had left a scar of feeling ashamed and disrespected. The whole episode did not last for more than a few minutes, yet it had done the collateral damage of a lifetime. Her sobs, her swollen lips, her tear-filled, swollen, sad, light brown eyes screamed in shame — the shame of being subjected to this inhuman behavior. 

Laxmi asked herself

Am I a good girl?

Am I a good girl?

I know I am a strong woman,

People share their feelings with me,

But my husband has been kept away from any trauma,

They all protect their little prince, of their qonderland, sometimes even from me.

I am a soft, caring, and intelligent woman

But now I question myself,

Did I do the wrong thing by asking for help?

Will this kill the dead relationship even further?

Do I have to carry the skeleton of my broken heart and keep killing it again and again

Till every bone of that skeleton falls apart?

Does my soul have to go through osteoporosis?

Even though my damaged soul looks intact,

it feels torn and shredded into pieces. 

As a child, I got everything from my parents, that a son

would have got,

Short haircut, and shorts.

Saree, bindi, bangles, makeup, and boys were considered Taboo.

I felt like a man in a woman,

My father sold me dreams of being allowed to work,

Expression robbed to maintain harmony.

I was never encouraged to speak against sexual abuse,

I endured in my childhood

By a man old enough to be my grandfather,

When I spoke after a decade,

my mother said,

If only I had spoken early,

what was the right time to tell?

Good girls do not aggress

Good girls seal their lip, and never raise their voices or raise their hand against perceived / real injustice

This rigid conditioning starves my soul of breath and nourishment

My safe boundaries were in learning in prestigious institutes and doing a job,

I was encouraged to earn, work hard, but never to spend.

Good girls save money.

I always wonder why I was encouraged to be an educator and not a model or an actress,

Would I have lost the title of a good girl?

Good girls do the job of bringing offspring to the family.

My parents now wanted me to get married.

But my safe companion were books, not men or women,

Book does not create sexuality issues,

They only make you pregnant with ideas and not a child!

Good girls are virgins at marriage!

As a woman, I had to learn to woo my man.

My parents believed the way to his heart was through his stomach.

Ironically, I discovered later that his heart is two inches below his stomach.

Good girls have sex but do not talk about it.

During my marriage, my parents gifted me as Kanyadan,

The hypnotic advice to compromise by my father has been my best friend since,

The warm presence of my husband could not transform me from a virgin into a beautiful mother,

I could not conceive,

Test, insults, trauma, IVF clinics, medicines

Feeling not valued for, who I am, changed so much in me,

But I rarely rested or complained.

Good girls always accept changes happily, are willing to lend their bodies for anything to satisfy their family.

Good girls do conceive babies, not sex.

Now the doctor is dictating when to connect sexually

so that our baby could come home.

I wanted to experience motherhood,

yet the idea of motherhood scared me,

 I am learning to value myself and my feelings every day.

I am learned to create that All is Well

Yes, I learned the art of hiding tears and wearing a happy mask.

Good girls know how to hide and wear a HAPPY mask!

I have a beautiful home, but it is empty and loveless.

I could not keep the good girl happy,

The gift of the slap by my husband has woken me up,

Today, I have broken my silence,

Today I am vulnerable and confused,

The role of being a good girl should have been applauded

with an Award and not with a slap

Reading Laxmi's Poem brought tears.

I asked Laxmi, what does she want?

She answered that she wants a marriage of respect. She is not quitting her marriage or asking for DIVORCE. She wants love, support, and understanding. Unfortunately, she has not been able to conceive. She also feels not valued as a human in this family without motherhood. Only a child, preferable a baby boy could return back her respect. She has a great desire to earn. She does not feel loved and feels abused.

Do we need to pause here and ask ourselves this question, is this ABUSE?

Should, not being able to make a child, be a reason for domestic upset

Her husband, was her Hero, now he has fallen from his altar

She has understood that she needs to value herself and take action to bring a smile to her face. Eventually, she will feel enough and complete with or without a child. She is learning to value her imperfections.

Today she has understood that she had paid a huge price, to be a Good Girl so she has snapped out of my good girl dream,

Today she needs to listen to herself and do what her heart desires.

Dr Anu Mehta is the pioneer and the First Master Trainer in India and in Asia, in META-Health
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